Why Friendship May Be The Missing Piece In Achieving Your Goals
How Social Accountability Turns Intention Into Action
We overestimate the role of self-discipline in personal change and underestimate the role of friendship. The right friends do more than comfort us through uncertainty. They help us become honest about the changes we keep postponing.
In the summer of 2019, I went to Jennifer Lopez’s fiftieth birthday concert with three friends. They were all close to me, but from different chapters of my life, so they didn’t really know each other. Over dinner before the show, the conversation drifted into territory none of us expected: career transitions. Each of us was standing at the edge of a change we hadn’t quite made yet.
What most stuck with me afterward wasn’t the concert. It was the dinner.
A few weeks later, I invited those three friends, plus two more in similar seasons of life, to my home. We’d take turns sharing where we were professionally, what we actually wanted, and what was holding us back. I called us the “To Work or Not to Work” group, or TWONTW for short. The acronym was a joke. The question wasn’t.
That casual gathering became a monthly ritual. Some of us had spent twenty years in the same career and were itching for a change but stuck in inertia. Some had stepped away to raise kids and were ready to come back but couldn’t see a clear path. A few of us were genuinely undecided. We came in with no agenda beyond honesty.
Within a couple of years, every single one of us had made the leap. Different leaps and different timelines, but every one of us made the change we sought. I don’t think that was a coincidence.
How Does Social Accountability Help You Reach a Goal?
Social accountability makes an intention more visible. When someone we trust knows what we want to change, remembers what we said mattered, and checks in again, it becomes harder to let that intention quietly disappear. The most useful accountability is not pressure or surveillance; it combines support, honesty, and a clear next step.
Research supports what many of us intuitively know: goals become more powerful when they are written down, shared, revisited and witnessed. In a Dominican University study on goal achievement, participants who wrote down their goals, created action commitments and sent weekly progress reports to a supportive friend had an average goal-achievement score roughly 78% higher than participants who simply thought about their goals. Even writing goals down mattered: participants who wrote their goals had goal-achievement scores about 42% higher than those who only thought about them. But the highest-performing group was the one that paired written goals with action commitments and weekly progress updates to a supportive friend.
More recent research reinforces the basic idea. Across four longitudinal studies involving more than 1,000 participants, people who shared personal goals tended to receive more support and put more effort toward pursuing those goals. Importantly, the researchers also found that the audience and manner of disclosure matter; simply announcing a goal is not the same thing as inviting meaningful support.
The mechanism is not mysterious. When someone else knows what we are trying to do, our intentions become harder to ignore.
Psychologists sometimes describe a related idea as behavioral reactivity: we often act differently when we know someone is paying attention. There is also the consistency principle, the tendency to align our actions with commitments we have made out loud. Put simply, when we say something matters to us in front of people we respect, it becomes harder to keep postponing it without explanation.
But the science only confirmed what we were already feeling.
There was something quietly powerful about knowing I’d have to update the group next month. Not because anyone was going to grade me, but because I respected them. I didn’t want to show up with the same story I had last time. As one of the women in TWONTW later put it, “We were all in such different stages, but answering the same question. I felt like I needed to have an update for the next meeting.”
That gentle pressure of being witnessed was its own kind of fuel.
Of course, not all accountability helps. The wrong kind can feel like surveillance, shame, or another performance metric. That was not what made our group work. No one was measuring ambition. No one was judging anyone’s pace. No one was confusing speed with courage.
The Best Accountability Feels Like Support, Not Surveillance
Helpful accountability
comes from someone you trust;
respects your autonomy;
asks honest questions;
remembers what you said you wanted;
doesn't impose someone else's timeline;
encourages action without equating speed with success.
Unhelpful accountability
creates shame;
turns progress into performance;
dictates the goal or solution;
pressures you to act before you're ready;
confuses urgency with courage.
The accountability that moved us forward was rooted in trust. It came from people who could ask honest questions without making us feel small. People who remembered what we said we wanted. People who noticed when our language became vague, when our energy shifted, or when we started rationalizing staying exactly where we were.
Friendships do not only comfort us through change. At their best, they call us forward.
We tend to romanticize self-discipline. We tell ourselves real change should come from within, that needing other people somehow weakens the achievement. I’d argue the opposite. The people we surround ourselves with shape the trajectory of our lives. They influence what we believe is possible, what we tolerate, what we attempt, and what we finally stop postponing.
If you are trying to make a meaningful change, start small. Choose two or three people you trust. Invite them into a real conversation, not just a quick update. Ask each person to share one change they are considering, one fear or obstacle keeping them stuck, and one next step they can take before you meet again. Then put the next check-in on the calendar before anyone leaves.
You don’t need a big group. You don’t need a clever name, though I’ll admit ours helped. You just need a handful of people willing to keep asking what’s next, and to mean it.
So a few questions worth sitting with:
Who in your life actually knows what you’re working toward right now?
Who knows what you keep saying you want, but have not yet acted on?
And who could help you stay honest, not by pressuring you, but by refusing to let your dreams quietly disappear into the busyness of life?
The friends who move us forward are not always the ones with the perfect advice. Sometimes they are simply the ones who remember what we said mattered and care enough to ask us about it again.
How to Create a Personal Accountability Circle
Choose two or three people you trust.
Pick people who can be honest without making you feel judged.
Name the change you're considering.
Be specific enough that everyone understands what you're trying to move toward.
Name what is keeping you stuck.
Fear? Uncertainty? Logistics? Identity? Lack of information?
Commit to one next step.
Not the entire solution, just an action you can take before the next conversation. Specify, when, where, and how.
Schedule the next check-in before you leave.
Don't rely on good intentions to reconvene.
At the next meeting, ask what changed.
The goal isn't to grade progress. It's to keep the intention from disappearing.
Note: Adapted and expanded from an article originally published on Forbes on May 14, 2026. This version includes additional research on goal sharing and a step-by-step guide for building a supportive accountability circle.
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ABOUT PARUL SOMANI
Parul Somani is a decision strategist, keynote speaker, and #1 Amazon bestselling author of The Path of Least Regret. A graduate of MIT and Harvard Business School, she combines behavioral science, strategic decision-making, and lived experience to help leaders navigate uncertainty and make values-aligned choices with greater clarity and confidence. Her work has been featured by Forbes, NPR, Inc., Oprah Daily, and Psychology Today.
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